after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
