We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
