I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
