So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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