Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
