..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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