Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
