I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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