No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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