I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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