Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
