My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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