Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
