Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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