You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
