The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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