does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize