He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
