I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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