So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
