please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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