I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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