i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
