i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
