plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
