your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
