After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
