I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
