youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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