I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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