my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
