Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
