Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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