Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
