two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
