just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
