I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
