Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Randomize
