And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
