I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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