just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
