If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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