i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
