dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
