Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
