I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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