is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Randomize
