my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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