This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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