I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
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