Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I am spending my child support on dildos
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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