I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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