Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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