You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
