the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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