I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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