I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
