im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
