I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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