I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
