my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
